Assaulted Peanut

From zombie at LGF, this translation of a joke apparently circulating in Germany. I'm still laughing!
(Note: the joke originally starred Sharon, but to update it I'll change it to Olmert.)


Iran and Israel decide to hold peace talks to forestall upcoming hostilities. There are to be two meetings: the first in Tehran, the second in Jerusalem.

Olmert travels to Tehran for the first meeting, and is ushered into the deluxe guest suite at the presidential palace. He goes to the bathroom, makes use of the toilet, but can't find any toilet paper. He then notices a button on the wall. A sign in several languages above the button says, "Do not press under any circumstances!" But, desperate, he presses the button anyway. A small hidden door opens and out comes a roll of toilet paper with the Talmud printed on it.

Later, Ahmadinejad goes to Jerusalem for the second meeting. He too is ushered into the deluxe guest suite, he too makes use of the facilities, and he too can find no toilet paper. He looks on the wall and --yup -- there's a button with a sign above it in many languages that says, "Do not press under any circumstances!"

Ahmadinejad thinks to himself, "Ah ha! if I press the button, a roll of toilet paper with the Koran printed on it will emerge from the wall. This is exactly the kind of insulting provocation I need to start an international incident and scuttle the talks!"

So he eagerly presses the button. But, to his mystification, nothing comes out of the wall. So he presses it again. Again nothing comes out. So he presses it a third time -- still, nothing. Mystified, Ahmadinejad thinks, "I guess the Jews are not as technologically advanced as the Muslims!"

So he wipes with his hand, and goes off to the opening reception. Olmert greets him and says, quietly, "Mr. Ahmadinejad, I have a confession: when I was in Tehran, I pushed the forbidden button behind the toilet. I saw the toilet paper with the Talmud printed on it."

"So," gloated Ahmadinejad, "what did you think of it?"

"Not so bad," said Olmert. "Very soft on the tuchas. But I have a question for you. Did you try to press the button behind the toilet in our guest suite?"

"Why, yes I did," said Ahmadinejad.

Olmert's eyes's widened. "Oh no!"

"It's alright," said Ahmadinejad. "Nothing came out of the wall, so I didn't see the Koran toilet paper. No matter how hard I tried, nothing came out."

Olmert still seemed horrified. "How many times did you press it?"

Ahmadinejad: "Three times, but still -- nothing."

Olmert: "You call three nuclear bombs on Tehran nothing?"